Looking back over the years of my life I have come to realize that I am not the person who I thought I was going to be when I was growing up. Currently, I am a depressed, broken, hurting, confused woman who does not know what she wants in life. I cannot hold down a job, I have not had one even since last December, I cannot be happy not matter how hard I try. I am getting more fat by the day, because my body is breaking down and being depressed isn't helping either. Its a vicious cycle I do not know how to break. I am trying my hardest to live my life but its so hard when there is really nothing to live for.

I thought I was a good person. I thought that I did good things for people. Yea , I have messed up as well, but I haven't done horrible things. Apparently God doesn't have time for people like me. I do not know. For a while I thought there was a God, then I had my doubts, and now I am almost certain that He doesn't exist. And here I am still praying that somehow my life will start turning around for the better.

I need help and I do not know where to turn. I honestly do not think talking to someone will help me out. I have talked to people before. Maybe I am just fated to be so messed up. Maybe this is who I am supposed to be. If it is, I do not want it anymore. I hate myself, I hate my life, and I do not want it anymore.

A friend and fellow pack member of mine showed a pic that read

Things to do today:
1. get up.
2. survive.
3. go to bed.

Right now, all I can do is survive. Its so hard for me to even sleep anymore. I sleep maybe 2 to 3 hours a day. I want to be this amazing sucessful woman that I have always envisioned myself to be. I want to be skinnier, I want to be healthy and I want to be happy. Apparently that is just to much to ask.

Here's to surviving.

I cannot take it anymore. IRL is getting to me to the point where I am having a nervous breakdown every fucking week and I cannot deal with everything else around me. Its going on two fucking months where were are put out without the nessesary basic things in life to survive: Hot water, a kitchen to cook our food in, a sink to wash our dishes, heat to stay warm in the 30 degree weather. My irl mate is sick as hell and he has to take a shower in 40 degree water then go to work. I broke down and cried my eyes out tonight because I cannot deal with it any longer.

Do you know how annoying it is to heat up water SO LITTLE at a time to bathe in?! I swear its like I am living back in the medieval days again!

I am using my kerosene heater to heat up water, as well as a huge lobster pot on the single burner. Once that is warm enough I have to shut that one down, and turn on the coffee maker to heat up more water, for I cannot turn them both on.... the the breaker will pop. So I am basically waiting for four different things of water to heat up so I can take a 5 minute bath..

*SNARLS!*

The hot water heater got put in today but its still not working... so it was like having sex for 6 hours and not having an orgasm. I went out and watched him haul it down in the basement, and heard him banging around down there, then all of a sudden he was gone.

Can we say irritation?!

Eh not much to report right now. Working too much, not getting paid enough. I am talking to my "bff" Sawa that I left behind in Florida alot more lately. She wants to come up within the next year so hopefully I will get to see her soon.

I have been having problems with my chest lately. It feels like there is immense pressure on my breastbone and it makes my heart race and I get a shortness of breath. We did a little research on it last night and it sounds like I have an inflammation of the cartilage that connects my ribs to my breast bone. Its REALLY strange. I was laying in bed and all of a sudden it "popped" like you pop a knuckle. It didn't hurt but it felt really strange. I talked to my mother about it and she said that if it happens again, or if it worsens to go to the hospital. I tried ibphrofen and it seems to help a little then when I laid down it popped. It felt alot better after that, but it was really awkward.

I need to mail down mom's christmas gift. I know she will flip out when she see's it. I will have to get a picture of it so people can see it.

I redid the bedroom last night. I moved the bed so I could have my bed out of the way so Rick does not have to stumble blindly in the mornings trying to get around the air matress.. And yes we sleep in seperate beds. His bed is too damn hard for my back to be able to sleep on it. ANYWAYS!

-Latah!

After waiting a long ass time, and getting so many damn pictures, here are a few really good ones of muh new betta ^.^

Yesterday I had the time of my life. I enjoyed myself more then I have in a long long time. I spent 8 hours and 28 minutes on skype with a bunch of online friends. I sat on my ass and did

N O T H I N G.

I loved it! I did the things I wanted to do, and no one told me to do anything otherwise.

Today I got a new betta. This one has a black head and a light blue body. I will get a pic as soon as I can. I need help on a name!!

Work today... Not much really going on. I seriously need to get those damn pics from my camera up so people can see the hell of a house.

Anywho...

-Latah!

Is it bad that I want to rip everyone's skull out? Yesterday my manager was being such a bitch I almost said something to her. I came in a half an hour early to work to start getting the store ready to open and I did not stop until around 10:30am. I am still trying to find where all the wines are located and when I asked her where one particular one was, she gestured to me as if wanting me to give her more information, I told her that I did not know what it was and all the ticket said was the information I gave her. She finally got the hint and in an irritated voice told me where I could fine is.

Then around 11ish, I need to use the restroom and when I went to the back to ask her to watch the registers for me, she gave me an attitude asking me if it could wait because the forklift needed a spotter. when I said no, it sounded like she snarled and raced out of the back room to go to the registers. I came back out and she was already back in the back room, with NO ONE watching the UNLOCKED, KEY VISIBLE, registers.

Can we say incompetent manager?

I had my first warm bath last night after heating up a huge pot of water for 40 minutes. And even that was like 5 minutes, just enough to shave wash my hair and body.. then turn on the 45 degree shower to rinse off. Was not a happy night....

This morning I woke up with a splitting headache that has not gone away again, in 64 degree house because if we add another heater it will pop the circuit breaker. I slept on the air mattress because Rick's bed is way to hard for me.

**pauses to go find coffee because MM on wyldryde got her interested... the coffee is gone, sugar is hard so she opts for spiced chai tea instead.**

So anyways... I woke up basically on the floor because apprently something popped the damn mattress. Come down stairs with a splitting headache and I cannot see because I took my contacts out last night. I get into the bathroom and I could not find my new contacts. Panic sets in, and after a few minutes of frantically searching, I calmed down, took a deep breath and went right to them lol.

So now I am sitting at my frozen computer hastily trying to finish this because jhv wants to read it, and thinking to myself why I haven't gotten headache medicine yet.

Duh.

-Latah!

Barnacle aka Barney.




Though he did not live long.. he was an awesome fish. I was really attached to him, he has a neat personality. I would gently press my finger against the side of the tank and he would back swim then when I lifted it, he would try to attack it. It would go on for minutes and he never tired of it. I love how he literally chewed his food. It was so awesome to watch.

He will be missed

...sucked!!!

Not only did a week or two turn into about six.... I get home and try to boot up my home computer and it takes a shit on me. I have to get a new power source which really pisses me off. On top of that I have a feeling I am going to lose muh betta. He endured for a damn month and now that I have him home and I can properly care for him he flips out on me.

I tried to put the furniture back to where it all was before we left and there is still a lot to do.

*sigh*

I got a new keyboard night before last so I could plug it into the laptop and use that, so it feels like a somewhat normal computer. Heh, I know I am strange. Anywho trying to get used to this is going to take some time. Its got a comfort curve in it, making the middle keys huge which I am not used to. My fingers are getting another frigging workout and its annoying.

Online news is semi back to normal. I need to update my network's site as its coming into autumn. My server is good and stable and people are starting to show up now that I am back online. Eh well. SSDD I guess..


P.S. I will be getting pictures of the new addition up soon.

-Latah